Frivolous as Fuck

Because fuck it

Posts tagged mala beads

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I want to write something fantastic, because this deserves something special, but I’m honestly still kind of speechless. What you see above used to be my most valuable possession.  If you include the main bead, there used to be 28 in all, and they made a bracelet, a mala bracelet that I bought when I was in 11th grade and needed something to remind me to stay mindful.  I hid it under long sleeve shirts and I think a couple of my friends saw it one time and I played it off like someone gave it to me.  But really I bought it.  I meditated with it.  I counted the beads when I was nervous or upset or really needed help thinking. I lost it over 2 years ago.  Thought it was gone for good.  By then, I wasn’t on the best terms with it.  I lost it once just before that and I think it turned up in my Jeep. Prior to losing it the first time, I had been sitting with my then ex-girlfriend, a few months after we broke up and then I found out she had sex with some kid literally the day after.  I gave it to her as you see it now… except I think it had one more half-bead on there but it wasn’t holding on enough so it fell off.  We were sitting in the cafeteria, half saying goodbye because she was going abroad and I knew I’d never see her again (and I haven’t, and I won’t).  We had known eachother well for a year at that point, and I handed it to her and told her I wanted her to have it.  She accepted. I got it back one day, not too long after.  I had spent the night at a girl’s house.  I was there for almost 24 straight hours, and we talked for most of it.  My ex-girlfriend found out and was super upset about it; I guess she thought she could fuck who she wanted and still have me on the side.  Anyway, she stormed into my room one day, went through my drawers looking for stuff that was hers, took a stuffed animal I had been borrowing, and left the beads on my desk.  The girl I spent the night talking to became my girlfriend of over 2 years.  When I first started seeing her, those beads were always in my pocket. I was in Los Angeles with my first girlfriend (the one who I gave them to and then gave them back), over spring break, months before all of the drama, when the bracelet ceased to be a bracelet.  We were walking and holding hands, and there were these fruit-like things that had come off of the trees.  I kicked a few of them and finally decided I wanted to pick one up and smash it on the ground.  So I did.  And as the fruit-thingy left my had, so too did the bracelet shoot off of my wrist and onto the ground, smashing into 28+ pieces.  It was just off of the corner of San Vicente and Melrose.  I remember it very vividly.  I could only find some of the pieces, and the tassel (though I have no clue where the tassel is now), and the main bead was actually in the middle of San Vicente; but my girlfriend ran out and got it. I put the beads I recovered in a sock and brought them home, and my mom surprised me one day by stringing them together. Before that, I had kissed them and hung them on a thumbtack every night before I went to bed.  After, I had to kiss them and throw them on my desk.  And then, one day, when I thought I would never see them again, there they were, right on the desk.  And then, just like some of them scattered, they were gone, and I had assumed I lost them forever. I won’t tell you where I found them.  I’ll just show you that I did.  They’ve changed.  They look older.  The color has faded and it makes their story believable.   Christ, for someone who’s speechless I’ve sure written a lot.  But I really can’t explain to you how this is making me feel.  If you’ve read what I’ve wrote, then you know what Los Angeles and my experiences with that first girlfriend mean to me.  Perhaps you’ve also got some idea of what came next for me and how that one nearly sleepless night full of talk with a girl I barely knew completely and totally changed my life. And this silly string of beads was right there.  Scattering across the streets and sidewalks of LA.  Going with a lost love and coming back nearly the moment I realized love was where I needed to find it with someone else who just happened to be exactly who I needed. And here it is again.   Reminding me of something I don’t know yet.  But I’ll figure it out.  If a string of inanimate objects can find its way, so can I. My most valued object as of now is a picture she made me (yes, even more valued than that wonderful Alice in Chains shirt that I’ll be wearing tomorrow).  I don’t know if I ever got the chance to tell her that.  I hope to have that chance soon.

I want to write something fantastic, because this deserves something special, but I’m honestly still kind of speechless.

What you see above used to be my most valuable possession.  If you include the main bead, there used to be 28 in all, and they made a bracelet, a mala bracelet that I bought when I was in 11th grade and needed something to remind me to stay mindful.  I hid it under long sleeve shirts and I think a couple of my friends saw it one time and I played it off like someone gave it to me.  But really I bought it.  I meditated with it.  I counted the beads when I was nervous or upset or really needed help thinking.

I lost it over 2 years ago.  Thought it was gone for good.  By then, I wasn’t on the best terms with it.  I lost it once just before that and I think it turned up in my Jeep.

Prior to losing it the first time, I had been sitting with my then ex-girlfriend, a few months after we broke up and then I found out she had sex with some kid literally the day after.  I gave it to her as you see it now… except I think it had one more half-bead on there but it wasn’t holding on enough so it fell off.  We were sitting in the cafeteria, half saying goodbye because she was going abroad and I knew I’d never see her again (and I haven’t, and I won’t).  We had known eachother well for a year at that point, and I handed it to her and told her I wanted her to have it.  She accepted.

I got it back one day, not too long after.  I had spent the night at a girl’s house.  I was there for almost 24 straight hours, and we talked for most of it.  My ex-girlfriend found out and was super upset about it; I guess she thought she could fuck who she wanted and still have me on the side.  Anyway, she stormed into my room one day, went through my drawers looking for stuff that was hers, took a stuffed animal I had been borrowing, and left the beads on my desk.  The girl I spent the night talking to became my girlfriend of over 2 years.  When I first started seeing her, those beads were always in my pocket.

I was in Los Angeles with my first girlfriend (the one who I gave them to and then gave them back), over spring break, months before all of the drama, when the bracelet ceased to be a bracelet.  We were walking and holding hands, and there were these fruit-like things that had come off of the trees.  I kicked a few of them and finally decided I wanted to pick one up and smash it on the ground.  So I did.  And as the fruit-thingy left my had, so too did the bracelet shoot off of my wrist and onto the ground, smashing into 28+ pieces.  It was just off of the corner of San Vicente and Melrose.  I remember it very vividly.  I could only find some of the pieces, and the tassel (though I have no clue where the tassel is now), and the main bead was actually in the middle of San Vicente; but my girlfriend ran out and got it.

I put the beads I recovered in a sock and brought them home, and my mom surprised me one day by stringing them together.

Before that, I had kissed them and hung them on a thumbtack every night before I went to bed.  After, I had to kiss them and throw them on my desk.  And then, one day, when I thought I would never see them again, there they were, right on the desk.  And then, just like some of them scattered, they were gone, and I had assumed I lost them forever.

I won’t tell you where I found them.  I’ll just show you that I did.  They’ve changed.  They look older.  The color has faded and it makes their story believable.  

Christ, for someone who’s speechless I’ve sure written a lot.  But I really can’t explain to you how this is making me feel.  If you’ve read what I’ve wrote, then you know what Los Angeles and my experiences with that first girlfriend mean to me.  Perhaps you’ve also got some idea of what came next for me and how that one nearly sleepless night full of talk with a girl I barely knew completely and totally changed my life.

And this silly string of beads was right there.  Scattering across the streets and sidewalks of LA.  Going with a lost love and coming back nearly the moment I realized love was where I needed to find it with someone else who just happened to be exactly who I needed.

And here it is again.  

Reminding me of something I don’t know yet.  But I’ll figure it out.  If a string of inanimate objects can find its way, so can I.

My most valued object as of now is a picture she made me (yes, even more valued than that wonderful Alice in Chains shirt that I’ll be wearing tomorrow).  I don’t know if I ever got the chance to tell her that.  I hope to have that chance soon.

Filed under mala beads love life